How to Finally Choose Yourself After Choosing Losers

We all have the relationships we want, I once heard. I’ve thought about this idea a lot over the years. You mean I want to be with an emotionally limited, mean-spirited cheating loser? Why Yes. Yes, you do.

It might hurt you. It might fill you with despair. You will most certainly suffer as it drains you of vitality, but you are pouring this poison into your life for a reason. You are retracing a primordial wound looking for clues on how to heal. You are charting a journey into darkness to find a tumor and exorcise it once and for all. You are teaching yourself a lesson the very, very hard way.

When you pour all of your emotional energy, love, patience, and kindness into a person who only gives you intermittent reinforcement but mostly pushes you into a smaller place in your life and heart, the wake of pain behind you pulls you so far from yourself that by the time you know you have got to get out, you cannot figure out how to cut the rope. This is a version of The Sunk Cost Fallacy in behavioral economics (the misconception that investments justify further expenditures according to Wikipedia.) And that Chinese finger puzzle of a situation is mixed up with Stockholm Syndrome.

You are getting hurt and continuously looking to the source of that pain to fix or undo the pain. This is your love experiment. This situation is a proxy, your project in real-time to go back and fix what’s broken deep inside and if you can’t do it this time around, you wonder, will you ever? You’re in a tunnel of myopia barking and barking up the wrong tree and no matter how much you tell yourself there is no reward in this, you just. can’t. stop.

Let’s go back. Back to the beginning when your injured soul spotted this person and saw a subconscious reflection of its pain the first time they let you down. You knew then what this was, but you continued, swatting away intuition like so many late summer gnats. Because the subtle bad feelings you get with a person like this, the stories that don’t add up, the changes in mood, the lack of follow through, is not as glaring as a con artist with a tote bag full of passports and a lopsided mustache, you followed their subtle stench of disordered personality into the nearest gnarly ravine.

It starts off slow, but let’s be real, the signs were unmistakeable. They dropped out of an early text conversation for over a week. They love a band so much but don’t know any of their songs. They are…

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