Reverse Shoplifting

Have you ever tried it?

I once knew a woman who was a pathological shoplifter. She simply could not go into a store without trying to steal something. To her it was a challenge. It empowered her. She drew huge amounts of energy from engaging in it. It was like drinking a case of Red Bull. I once attended a party at this woman’s home and before I left I checked all my pockets to make sure nothing was missing.

I don’t need the karma. Believe me, I don’t. I don’t do it. Maybe it was my upbringing or those years in a Taoist monastery but I just don’t get empowered by something like that. Instead of getting jazzed up I’d be peeing in my pants.

But I have to be honest and admit, in front of the whole world, right here and right now, that I have in fact once engaged in the opposite of shoplifting — which is, of course, Reverse Shoplifting.

What? You don’t know what reverse shoplifting is? Seriously? You’ve never done it? Okay, I see that I need to do some explaining before I continue…

Shoplifting is when you put on a big winter coast (no matter the season — trench coats work well) and you walk into a store. As you browse the shelves you look around to see if anyone is watching then you open your coat slightly with one hand while you quickly remove an item off the shelf with your other hand and slide it into a pocket on the inside of your coat. With all pockets full you then nervously leave the store.

Reverse Shoplifting is putting on a big winter coat and filling each inside pocket with copies of all your books. You then go into a used bookstore and casually browse the whole store. At just the right time you look all around you to see if anyone is watching you. With as little motion as possible, you slip one of your books out of your coat and you place it on the shelf!

Instead of taking something off a shelf, you put something onto it. This is reverse shoplifting.

You keep browsing because your books fall into different categories, not just one. You slowly and slyly place all of your books in all their correct categories in the correct alphabetical order within that category. After all, you’re a book freak. You want your books to feel at home in the proper place and you don’t want them sticking out for…

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